wintersday (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wintersday) wrote2020-09-30 08:44 pm
wintersday) wrote2020-09-30 08:44 pm
Fic: Publish or Perish
Title: Publish or Perish
Fandom: Homestuck, Friendsim
Major Characters/Pairings: Nepeta & multiple Homestuck trolls plus, regrettably, Kuprum
Wordcount: ~1,100
Rating: Teen
POV: First Person
Summary: Excerpts from the correspondence of the long-suffering editor of the New Alternia Journal of Ship Wank.
Notes: Publish or perish is the motto of every Alternian university and they mean it literally. Content warning: godpawful puns
Dear Dr. Catpurr,
While we appurriciate both the passion and the brevity of your response to Opposing the 8inary: A re-vision of the light-dark dialectic in Jedi-Sith kismesitude across nine movies and three generations of a8ject unmitigated assholes (Serket & Vantas, 2020), we would like to note that fuck you the biinary ii2 awe2ome is neither an appurropriate title nor an appurropriate length for a submission. Please refer back to the types of manuscript listed under our submission guidelions, which include Brief Response (500-1500 words), Research Article (5000-8000 words), Critical Review (5000-8000 words), and photographs of paintings on cave walls (no more than 100 photos). Please do not mail in fragments of the actual cave walls themselves.
Thank you for your consideration,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Mr. Maxlol,
Although your submission was well-written and highly innovative, we are afraid that it does not fall within the purrview of this journal. We invite you to review our submission guidelines, and wish you success in finding an outlet which is a betterkit fit for your work.
Thank you, and best wishes,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Harley,
Although I must recuse myself from purrsonally reviewing your article Alpha and omega: Biological variation and sociological upheaval within the context of romance as an inherently subversive act due to a conflict of interest, I have sent it out to thr33 experts in the field for review. As you shall s33, reviews were meowxed. Two reviewers were enthusiastic about the manuscript’s potential contribution to the field, while the third found it challenging. In light of the reviews attached below, I cannot accept your manuscript for publication at this time, but invite you to revise and resubmit it for future consideration.
Thank you for considering the New Alternia Journal of Ship Wank for your work,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Reviewer 1.
The author of this manuscript offers a redefinition of social roles and constraints which presents a critical challenge to our regimented and commercialized existence. The heightened sexuality and loss of personal control that characterizes our era is reflected back to us in a fragmented mirror, providing a vision of a nightmarish alternate reality that both taunts and tempts us with possibilities yet unrealized and an animalistic shadow-side that we as a species have suppressed but never fully managed to transcend.
This reviewer recommends acceptance with minor revisions. The minor revisions can be summarized thusly: the role of cephalopod traits within this fascinating dystopian critique is notably absent, and should be explicated in some detail.
Reviewer 2.
This manuscript is a compelling and troubling document. Although I have reread it several times, it is neigh on impossible to tell whether the author’s goal is to reinforce the social hierarchy or to undermine it. This ambiguity of purpose is at odds with the worthy traditionalism evident in the forms on display, and I am forced to recommend that the author clarify their thesis to more STRONGLY condemn deviation from the order presented herein, and indeed, deviation more generally.
Nevertheless, the author’s appreciation for classical art is both clear and admirable, and it would behoove any respectable academic journal to make such a finely crafted piece of writing available to a broader readership. As such, I STRONGLY recommend acceptance with minor revisions.
Reviewer 3.
WHAT THE FUCK. NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE ACTUAL AND ENTIRE FUCK. NO.
Dear Dr. Maxlol,
We believe you may have misunderstood the mission of The New Alternia Journal of Ship Wank. Specifically, we would like to note that the journal’s title is a technical professional term for acatdemic debate within the field of fandom studies.
We do not accept original fiction.
Thank you for your time,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Catpurr,
Copying and pasting fuck you the biinary ii2 awe2ome two-hundred and twenty-two times is not acceptable either.
Sincerely,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Serkit,
I have received your manuscript Pred8ory capitalism: A critical analysis of pro8lematic themes in 8usinesstroll/Spideryouth fanfiction, part 8: A de-construction of the cy8org as reinvented hero, and sent it out to thr33 qualified experts in the field for review. Please be aware that while your manuscript shows purromise, substantial revisions will likely be required in order to more fully support your claims before publication in a journal of this catliber. In addition, please revise all instances of Spideryouth to Spider-Youth, as purr Alternian Shipping Association guidelions.
Thank you for your consideration,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Mr. Maxlol,
This journal does not publish Helmsman erotica. Please stop.
Respetfully,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Megido
Although I have received your manuscript the multishippers dilemma: a defense 0f d00med ships thr0ugh the faceted lens 0f branching timeline the0ry, I am unable to open the document, as it appears to have b33n sent from meowtiple sw33ps in the future. Please re-send the attached document with a date my husktop is capawble of recognizing.
Thank you,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Catpurr,
I am not at this point convinced you have even read the article to which you are responding. If you are unwilling to back down, I will be forced to fight dirty.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Catpurr,
I warned you.
Dear Dr. Strider,
I am not accepting this manuscript beclaws there is zero doubt in my thinkpan that if I do, Acatdemia will be discussing the Strider Hoax for sw33ps to come. The mighty editor wasn’t hatched yesterday. :33
Sincerely,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Mr. Maxlol,
Although I have rejected your work in the past, I would like to emphasize that I do believe your innovative perspective is valuable to the field. I think you will find that The Journal of Highly Dubious Engin33ring may provide a better avenue for publication.
Your Furiend,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Drs. Egbert and Vantas,
I am pawleased to inform you that your manuscript Fifty Shades of pale: Heterogeneity in depictions of moiraillegiance from the Golden Age of Terran cinema and why my ship is better has b33n accepted fur publication.
Although it is against journal policy to encourage authors to rub their successful publication record in the face of Dr. Ampurra and his magic wand of unsuccessful data manipulation, this editor would like to remind you that she cannot actually stop you.
Best wishes,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
dear dr leiijon,
diid you 2eriiou2ly thiink ii wouldnt call your bluff?
iim publii2hiing thii2 2hiit.
there wiill be techniical diiagram2.
checked and double checked for accuracy.
your iimportant contriibutiion two the work wiill be noted iin the acknowledgement2.
2iincerely,
2ollux captor
the journal of hiighly dubiiou2 engiineeriing
ediitor
Fandom: Homestuck, Friendsim
Major Characters/Pairings: Nepeta & multiple Homestuck trolls plus, regrettably, Kuprum
Wordcount: ~1,100
Rating: Teen
POV: First Person
Summary: Excerpts from the correspondence of the long-suffering editor of the New Alternia Journal of Ship Wank.
Notes: Publish or perish is the motto of every Alternian university and they mean it literally. Content warning: godpawful puns
Dear Dr. Catpurr,
While we appurriciate both the passion and the brevity of your response to Opposing the 8inary: A re-vision of the light-dark dialectic in Jedi-Sith kismesitude across nine movies and three generations of a8ject unmitigated assholes (Serket & Vantas, 2020), we would like to note that fuck you the biinary ii2 awe2ome is neither an appurropriate title nor an appurropriate length for a submission. Please refer back to the types of manuscript listed under our submission guidelions, which include Brief Response (500-1500 words), Research Article (5000-8000 words), Critical Review (5000-8000 words), and photographs of paintings on cave walls (no more than 100 photos). Please do not mail in fragments of the actual cave walls themselves.
Thank you for your consideration,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Mr. Maxlol,
Although your submission was well-written and highly innovative, we are afraid that it does not fall within the purrview of this journal. We invite you to review our submission guidelines, and wish you success in finding an outlet which is a better
Thank you, and best wishes,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Harley,
Although I must recuse myself from purrsonally reviewing your article Alpha and omega: Biological variation and sociological upheaval within the context of romance as an inherently subversive act due to a conflict of interest, I have sent it out to thr33 experts in the field for review. As you shall s33, reviews were meowxed. Two reviewers were enthusiastic about the manuscript’s potential contribution to the field, while the third found it challenging. In light of the reviews attached below, I cannot accept your manuscript for publication at this time, but invite you to revise and resubmit it for future consideration.
Thank you for considering the New Alternia Journal of Ship Wank for your work,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Reviewer 1.
The author of this manuscript offers a redefinition of social roles and constraints which presents a critical challenge to our regimented and commercialized existence. The heightened sexuality and loss of personal control that characterizes our era is reflected back to us in a fragmented mirror, providing a vision of a nightmarish alternate reality that both taunts and tempts us with possibilities yet unrealized and an animalistic shadow-side that we as a species have suppressed but never fully managed to transcend.
This reviewer recommends acceptance with minor revisions. The minor revisions can be summarized thusly: the role of cephalopod traits within this fascinating dystopian critique is notably absent, and should be explicated in some detail.
Reviewer 2.
This manuscript is a compelling and troubling document. Although I have reread it several times, it is neigh on impossible to tell whether the author’s goal is to reinforce the social hierarchy or to undermine it. This ambiguity of purpose is at odds with the worthy traditionalism evident in the forms on display, and I am forced to recommend that the author clarify their thesis to more STRONGLY condemn deviation from the order presented herein, and indeed, deviation more generally.
Nevertheless, the author’s appreciation for classical art is both clear and admirable, and it would behoove any respectable academic journal to make such a finely crafted piece of writing available to a broader readership. As such, I STRONGLY recommend acceptance with minor revisions.
Reviewer 3.
WHAT THE FUCK. NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE ACTUAL AND ENTIRE FUCK. NO.
Dear Dr. Maxlol,
We believe you may have misunderstood the mission of The New Alternia Journal of Ship Wank. Specifically, we would like to note that the journal’s title is a technical professional term for acatdemic debate within the field of fandom studies.
We do not accept original fiction.
Thank you for your time,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Catpurr,
Copying and pasting fuck you the biinary ii2 awe2ome two-hundred and twenty-two times is not acceptable either.
Sincerely,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Serkit,
I have received your manuscript Pred8ory capitalism: A critical analysis of pro8lematic themes in 8usinesstroll/Spideryouth fanfiction, part 8: A de-construction of the cy8org as reinvented hero, and sent it out to thr33 qualified experts in the field for review. Please be aware that while your manuscript shows purromise, substantial revisions will likely be required in order to more fully support your claims before publication in a journal of this catliber. In addition, please revise all instances of Spideryouth to Spider-Youth, as purr Alternian Shipping Association guidelions.
Thank you for your consideration,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Mr. Maxlol,
This journal does not publish Helmsman erotica. Please stop.
Respetfully,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Megido
Although I have received your manuscript the multishippers dilemma: a defense 0f d00med ships thr0ugh the faceted lens 0f branching timeline the0ry, I am unable to open the document, as it appears to have b33n sent from meowtiple sw33ps in the future. Please re-send the attached document with a date my husktop is capawble of recognizing.
Thank you,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Catpurr,
I am not at this point convinced you have even read the article to which you are responding. If you are unwilling to back down, I will be forced to fight dirty.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Dr. Catpurr,
I warned you.
Dear Dr. Strider,
I am not accepting this manuscript beclaws there is zero doubt in my thinkpan that if I do, Acatdemia will be discussing the Strider Hoax for sw33ps to come. The mighty editor wasn’t hatched yesterday. :33
Sincerely,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Mr. Maxlol,
Although I have rejected your work in the past, I would like to emphasize that I do believe your innovative perspective is valuable to the field. I think you will find that The Journal of Highly Dubious Engin33ring may provide a better avenue for publication.
Your Furiend,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
Dear Drs. Egbert and Vantas,
I am pawleased to inform you that your manuscript Fifty Shades of pale: Heterogeneity in depictions of moiraillegiance from the Golden Age of Terran cinema and why my ship is better has b33n accepted fur publication.
Although it is against journal policy to encourage authors to rub their successful publication record in the face of Dr. Ampurra and his magic wand of unsuccessful data manipulation, this editor would like to remind you that she cannot actually stop you.
Best wishes,
Nepeta Leijon, Editor
dear dr leiijon,
diid you 2eriiou2ly thiink ii wouldnt call your bluff?
iim publii2hiing thii2 2hiit.
there wiill be techniical diiagram2.
checked and double checked for accuracy.
your iimportant contriibutiion two the work wiill be noted iin the acknowledgement2.
2iincerely,
2ollux captor
the journal of hiighly dubiiou2 engiineeriing
ediitor